As a sufferer of major depression, I know what it feels like
to feel completely hopeless. I know how it feels to lie in bed all weekend
crumpled up into a fort of blankets with a 1000 negative thoughts rushing
through my mind. I know how it feels to hate everything about yourself and hate
everything about your life. I know how it feels to want to curl up in a dark
corner completely secluded from the rest of the world. I know what it’s like
when you can’t bare to live anymore.
Yet recently I’ve learned something that I didn’t know or
more likely couldn’t comprehend when I was shrivelled up hopeless in my sheets,
which as cliché as it sounds is that everything gets better. There is a light
at the end of the tunnel. Life does go
on and you will be happy again.
In the worst moments of my depression I would often stay in
bed for days and days thinking to myself. And whilst I was curled up in bed
with my phone in my hand I often googled ‘depression stories’ to try and
console myself that I was not the only person going through something so life
crushingly terrible. Unfortunately what I often found was stuff such as ‘I’ve
had depression for 6 years and it’s never got better’ which when I was in such
a deep dark emotional state did not give me much hope. What I wish I found more
often on my Google rampages of my mental disorder was some more joyful success
stories, which is what I intend this post to be.
I know all depression is not the same and to treat it as it
was would be as stupid as treating cancer patients or people with diabetes in the
exact same way. Some depressions last for a long time while others last for a
short period. They differ in severity and causes and in the way they need to be
treated. Which is why sometimes it is hard to comprehend another sufferers success
story as hopeful for your recovery with such a complex disease. Yet what I want you to remember as you are
reading this post is that I was also the girl reading other people’s recovery
stories convincing myself that would never be me. I told myself I’d been stuck
feeling depressed for so long that I would never get out of it, but I did, I
found my light at the end of the long dark tunnel.
For some people that light is medication, therapy, an escape
from a problem, turning to religion or a complete life change but for me it was
different. If I’m honest I don’t really know what the light was. All I know is
that after 1 and a half years of feeling like utter crap things started to get a
lot better. After the endless days spent in my bed, bathroom or anywhere I could close myself away from the world, pretend it didn't exist, pretend I didn't exist, one day I just woke up and I felt something I’d not felt in so long,
happiness. The weird thing is nothing really changed in that day, yet at the
same time everything changed. I looked in the mirror and felt pretty and
confident, I went to school and some friends that hadn’t been so nice to me for
awhile were extremely nice and life just seemed that bit more beautiful. In
reality I know I still am going to have days were its a struggle to drag myself
out of bed and I know I’m going to have to continue going to therapy, and in
reality my light at the end of the tunnel isn’t exactly the whole sun, it’s
more like a torch providing a little glimmer of hope but sometimes that’s all
you need to keep fighting.
